Book Excerpt! "An Ally is the Player of the Game of Allyship" & the problem of Victim conciousness
7 months ago
– Wed, Oct 18, 2023 at 02:30:53 PM
"An Ally is the Player of the Game of Allyship"
The only way to loose the game of allyship is to stop playing. In this way you are all, so long as you're attemping to win, are winning. That being said many others are playing a game called SATISFACTION. And to lose the game of Satsifaction is to be aware of the ways in which you're dissatisfied. Many people have subconcius images of what effective allyship SHOULD look like and are dissatsifed when their allyship practice doesn't align. Because they aren't satisfied with their allyship they feel like they are losing. And its this feeling of losing that makes them want to give up the game.
The secret of the game of allyship is being able to hold this dynamic tension without letting go. These inner conflicts become the fuel that will keep you in the game of allyship should you let them.
Allyship is, at its core, about assisting, yet the kind of assistance required is context-dependent.
In this multifaceted game, various roles await you. You can be a helper, offering support when needed, or an advocate, speaking up for those in need. If you crave active involvement and change, you might become a co-conspirator, delving into the heart of projects alongside like-minded individuals. Or perhaps you prefer to be a supporter, cheering on those taking action from the sidelines. Lastly, there's the option of being an assistant, ready to pitch in wherever needed, functioning as part of a team.
Whichever role you choose, rest assured that your contribution will make a genuine difference. Whether you're taking monumental strides toward tangible change or offering comfort and companionship, being an ally can bring joy and fulfillment not just to those around you but to yourself as well.
To quote, Douglas Adams: "Anything that is in the world when you're born is normal and ordinary, but anything invented between ages fifteen and thirty-five is new and exciting. Anything invented after age thirty-five is against the natural order of things."
The concept of being an ally is relatively new, and those who assumed such roles in the past may not even recognize the title. It's dangerous to assume that allyship is a recent phenomenon. Human ascendancy is attributed to our unparalleled capacity for collaboration and mutual assistance.
Unlike other species that must fend for themselves, humans collaborate and evolve by working together. They possess the unique ability to empathize with others and transform adversaries into allies.
However, the challenge arises from our contemporary ability to reshape our surroundings. Allyship is often seen as problem-solving. Effective allies are like visionaries, surveying a fragmented world yearning for mending. They perceive those they aim to assist as objects to be altered and shaped into a portrait of an ideal ally.
But there lies a fundamental problem. Many aspire to overhaul the entire world to resolve myriad issues. They take on excessive responsibility and set impossibly high standards. A common pitfall is believing that every problem one perceives is their personal responsibility to solve.
In light of our current state of global development, many turn to allyship as a way to cope with the internal tension stemming from their perception of the world's troubles and their perceived inability to remedy them.
This predicament underscores the notion that effective allyship hinges on recognizing the extent of one's influence. To resolve this problem, you must learn to be an ally to yourself, unveiling your unique field of influence.
This book, Mastering the Game of Allyship will guide you to become a better ally to yourself, setting the stage for improving your interactions with others. It will impart the skills needed to coach yourself and embark on a journey of self-development that enhances your effectiveness and makes each day more fulfilling.
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Most successful baseball players ascend to greatness because they were once kids who loved playing baseball. Their love for the sport drove them to practice diligently, and it was their unwavering devotion that allowed them to surmount challenges that might deter others.
However, they also had support along the way. They became skilled teammates by experiencing the guidance of coaches who taught them how to train, improve, collaborate, and strategize.
Before they could make others better on the field, they were already beneficiaries of help and guidance. Allyship is like this. It is about addressing issues by adapting to new paradigms and working collaboratively to create a better world for all involved.
But there's a problem. Many people attempt to tackle the whole world's problems simultaneously. They undertake more than they can handle. They grapple with a dilemma faced by many before them: the belief that every problem within their perception is their responsibility to solve.
As you embark on the journey of effective allyship, you may be one of those who aim to make a difference. Your goals may be lofty, and you may want to appear effective to those watching your efforts. Yet, delving into true allyship can be far from impressive, as many significant transformations are imperceptible to the casual observer.
Taking a different approach, you can begin your allyship with yourself, using self as a guinea pig. By doing so, you create a safe space to make mistakes, take chances, and learn the true dynamics of transforming lives. As you practice on yourself, you can experiment without harming anyone but yourself, potentially benefiting from your own improved allyship skills and, in the process, those who have relied on your ineffective support.
In this model, effective allyship shifts from taking control and manipulating reality into something more profound. It centers on recognizing the shared reality with those you wish to assist and removing obstacles both externally and internally to allow the highest level of well-being for all to emerge. You become a collaborator, co-creating a new world in alignment with the needs of everyone involved.
The trap many fall into is believing that they must address every problem in the world. They assume an excessive burden of responsibility. They adopt allyship as a means to ease the inner turmoil stemming from their observation of global issues and their perceived impotence to rectify them.
The true challenge of allyship lies in the role of a beginner. It is the discomfort of venturing outside your comfort zone and taking on the vulnerable role of a student-practitioner. To surmount this challenge, many people skip the process of discomfort and opt for roles as waterboys or towel boys. They revert to the stands, disillusioned by their inability to be players, and hope that their mere patronage suffices as allyship. They mistake the comfort of the spectator for genuine participation, unwittingly perpetuating a culture of surface-level engagement.
The old model of allyship is fraught with pitfalls. It presumes that answers will come from external experts who will deliver a secret formula to instantaneously transform individuals into effective allies. This expert-driven approach prompts a quest to find these authorities, and even when found, disappointment arises when their prescribed path doesn't align with your unique journey.
Now, it may seem ironic that I, too, am outlining my path to effective allyship in this book. However, my intent is to foster a paradigm shift, guide your exploration of new territory, and create a positive feedback loop for you to help others achieve the results you've attained.
The answers we seek regarding how we want to be treated and what will genuinely empower us to transform our lives do not solely come from external sources. The old model of allyship wrongly assumes that the helper bears the primary responsibility for the help. As this notion extends to non-professionals, a multitude of individuals, with the best intentions, attempt to bear the burden of all the help themselves. The reality, however, is that it doesn't work that way.
The opportunities with this new model of allyship are profound. By allowing every individual to define what allyship means to them, we can teach people how to identify the versions of allyship that resonate with their unique values and objectives. Power arises from the ability to make choices, and a monolithic definition of effective allyship is often counterproductive. A lack of a fixed standard causes people to default to their unconscious definitions, leading them to rely on others' perceptions rather than trusting their inner wisdom.
Becoming an ally to yourself sets the stage for understanding the intricate process that others will undergo when receiving your assistance. This readiness positions you to advocate for your approach, knowing it worked for you and is likely to benefit people like you. Additionally, you'll adapt your allyship method to address the ever-evolving needs that arise, sparing you from discarding your model and starting anew each time you encounter a new challenge. This incessant cycle of beginning from scratch is one of the most disheartening aspects of contemporary allyship.
In the end, an increasing number of people worldwide are in need of allyship. Your allyship practice must possess the adaptability to address these emergent needs without compromising your values.
By mastering the art of allyship to yourself, you gain the ability to impart these skills to others. Much of the demand for effective allyship results from personal development tools that require a certain level of privilege to attain. By scaling self-efficacy, you enable others to empower themselves, teaching them to fish rather than merely providing them with a fish.
Helping someone who identifies as a victim is a peculiar endeavor. To empower them, which is to say offer them an chance to choose to step out of victim conciousness, you must sometimes tread the path of unhelpfulness, almost infuriatingly so.
While there are many victims in the world those who are stuck in victim conciousness want you to solve their problems for them. They seek allies who will remove their discomfort, validate their position, and reflect their worldview as they see it.
Sometimes its this very worldview that is the source of their problems.
When faced with this particular challenge in allyship, intoducing discomfort, paradoxically open's the door to their own realization of empowerment.
In doing so you can help them break free from the endless cycles of fear, sadness, and helplessness.
It's vital to understand that your helpfulness may not always be appreciated.
The part of a person that clings to the status quo may perceive your support as a threat to their very existence. People tend to accept only the help they've preordained as "helpful."
My foremost advice: do not attempt to assist someone who is not willing to receive your help. However, when they attempt to withdraw, you must maintain that connection, preventing their escape, even if it seems like self-sabotage.
Now, think about the creative possibilities of unhelpfulness. When you're striving to be a genuine ally, be mindful of all the ways people might unconciously sabotage their own progress to preserve their identity. This starts by looking at all the ways you may already be doing this.
It's in these unconventional angles of thinking that the magic of transformation often occurs.